Jeremy Finds Out Why The Baby Is That Colour
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: CRACKFIC with Chaz and Vicky. Sam accuses his g/f of cheating with Hannah's younger brother, but what will the lie detector prove? And what secret do Chaz, Vicky and Myrnin share? And is Gérard needed AGAIN? R&R!


_aFourth in the series (5__th__ if you count Jeremy asks why Amelie uses a tanning bed) & this is the one I dreamed up yesterday!_

_There will also _definitely_ be one more, maybe two…_

_I don't own anything, as usual, besides myself. However, Chaz is owned by a paedophile ring in the midlands, so I can't say the same thing for her._

* * *

_**Jeremy Kyle is back…**_

* * *

Jeremy, once _again_, stands in front of the audience in Morganville's _new_ hall (Shane Collins burnt down City Hall the other month… needless to say, he is slightly incapacitated in jail right now) and wonders why he is back again. After all, they had just about resolved everything last time – well as far as you can resolve issues in a family where the younger sibling ends up being the step mum to the elder sibling, whilst the step dad is now being accused of paedophilia now that they had cleared the dad/boyfriend. In the real world, Jeremy thinks wryly, you would never get that situation: it wouldn't be right. But when you add vampires to the equation, things tend to get complicated.

Oh what he wouldn't give to be able to go back to England, where he has been for the past two months. For two months, he has been able to live a _normal_ life with his family and deal with _normal_ cases on his show – it's strange that he is classing drug dealing chavs as _normal_, but he is – and not have to live in the world of the supernatural. From Harry Potter's issues in London, to Clary Fray and her screwed up family in New York, to Morganville with relations so complex to think about them for more than a second hurts your head, he has had to deal with the strangest cases… he wouldn't tell anyone about them because who would believe him? It isn't an issue anyway because he doesn't want to tell anyone: who would believe him if he did?

"My, it's as if some of us are long life friends!" he jokes as he makes reference to the fact that he recognises 95% of the audience from the first four shows. In fact, he realises with a pang, the only reason the other 5% have been replaced (with vampires, he hastens to add) is probably because the first lot were eaten by vampires. "Today, we have Chaz back on the show, disputing her daughter's parentage with Sam, who accuses her of being unfaithful for the colour of the baby's skin. Let's get Chaz out on the show, ladies and gentlemen!" he announces and the audience clap, wondering what on earth has happened to have Sam disputing whether or not Chaz has cheated on the man who cheated on her… with her mother… who is also his ex.

Chaz emerges on stage and gives a half smile, it being evident that she has just had a baby. She is wearing black leather jeans and a black and silver vest top, down to her knees if she hadn't ruffled it up, and her face gives the tell tale signs of about three seconds of sleep per night.

She steps out onto the stage into full view of people and sits down in one of the chairs laid out for the group of people – inclusive of whom is, unfortunately for Jeremy, Amelie – whilst Jeremy takes the one next to her. "Hey, sweetheart, how you doing?" he asks her gently, the words mainly associated with Joey Tribbiani sounding _nothing_ like he gives them because of his sharp British accent.

She shrugs and shakes her head. "I'm fine… I guess…well, not really, if I'm honest," she contradicts herself, letting the tears slide out of the corner of her eyes. Carefully, she removes the handkerchief from her pocket and dabs at her eyes, thankful she let her mother put on waterproof mascara on her lashes because otherwise she would look like a chav with thick black streaks down her face.

Jeremy takes her hand to comfort her and she shakes slightly. "Chaz, can you tell us what went on after the last show?" he asks her gently, holding her hand still.

"Um… well, Eve had her baby, Jennie," she begins… "But about two weeks later, I… I went into premature labour, three months early, and it was touch and go with the baby," she continues and everyone in the audience feels sorry for her, knowing that it must be bad if the baby was _three months_ early.

"But she's fine now?" Jeremy quickly adds, keen to bring the purpose of this show back to the forefront of people's minds, not the fact that Chaz's baby was three months premature, so even though it was conceived after Vicky's, the baby is actually older… which makes _so_ much sense.

"Yes, she is absolutely perfect…even if she _does _cry all night," she smiles, suddenly uplifted by the look of adoration for her daughter on her face. Then, however, it fades. "But… but Sam doesn't do _anything_ with her, not even sort her out at night when I have to sleep, even though he doesn't have to," she then moans, tears continuing to spill out of her eyes.

Jeremy nods grimly and begins to get around to the point of the show, before realising they don't know the name of the baby… well he does but the audience doesn't. "So, Chaz, what did you and Sam name your baby?" he asks her and she cries even harder, just as he realises he shouldn't have said about Sam.

"Um… I named her Sapphire Ziva Nava Glass – Ziva means brightness whilst Nava means beautiful," she says with a touch of pride for her daughter. "Her eyes are _exactly _the same shade as Sam's which surprises me as to why he doesn't believe…" she breaks off into huge sobs and Jeremy holds her for a minute, wondering if she will calm down.

After a rather awkward five minutes, she silences and he can finally continue with the therapy. "Chaz, can you tell me what is going on?"

She nods and swallows the lump in her throat before explaining… "Our baby is half cast," she says simply. You can hear a pin drop in the audience at her brashness, the simplicity with which she states the nature of her baby.

"But you're both white – how can you have a baby that isn't?" Jeremy asks her gently and she shrugs, but you can tell that she knows something more than she is letting on.

"I don't know," she responds, a slightly guilty edge to her voice. "But I can tell you _right_ now, as I told Sam, it is his and _I_ haven't cheated, unlike him," her voice changes to have a slightly bitter and sour edge to it, remembering back to when her mother and her boyfriend got it off to create her new half brother or sister/step child.

Jeremy nods slightly, as he has been for the past week since he got given this 'case', and stares straight at her. "So, there is still the slight resentment about the whole case with your mother and Sam?" he asks her and she hesitates.

"Well… I wouldn't say that _exactly_," she decides after a short pause in which she opened her mouth and then closed it fifteen times. "She is the one, along with my sister, who has been helping me because Sam has refused to do _anything _more than hold her when I actually have to get a shower because… because I'm covered in puke or poo or something other and it's _really_ icky," she rambles on and on, unable to stop herself as silent tears flow down her cheeks.

"So you and Amelie are sorted?" Jeremy confirms and Chaz nods.

"We're good," she says and then launches into another tirade, "Sam keeps going on and _on_ and saying that I cheated with my step mum's younger brother when he returned from Iraq for _three days_ because he knew how much I wanted a baby of this colour and he _won't believe me_!" she explains and he nods slowly.

"He insisted on a lie detector to prove it?" he double checks that it is _Sam_ who wants the lie detector and she nods, shaking her head in disbelief.

"Yeah, because _my_ word isn't enough," she spits out bitterly. "He's going to be the one in the wrong when he finds out I pass every single result… and he's the only one of us who cheated," she continues and the audience applauds. They decided to continue the whole 'no gasping or any response other than clapping' thing from the last show because Jeremy is _really_ scary when he shouts and they don't want him to shout again.

"So, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Sam Glass to come on stage – Sam, if you're ready," Jeremy announces just as the redhead emerges from the back of the stage.

The audience decide to react negatively to Sam's arrival, even though they are all dubious as to how Chaz and Sam managed to have a baby that isn't their colouring: they really need to see a picture of the baby. They all throw their glasses (plastic, just incase they misaim and hit Jeremy and end up killing him – it wouldn't be good) and hot dogs at him, meaning he is even more covered in food than Oliver was when he had a similar treatment about a year ago.

"Sam," Jeremy greets him slightly coolly, knowing he has to try and remain impartial but seeing the truth in Chaz's face about not cheating making him unable to comprehend how Sam can't see this as well. "How are you?"

Sam drags his chair, childishly, slightly further away from his girlfriend who blushes at this blatant display of lack of trust towards her. He turns away from her as well, facing Jeremy, whilst the audience (they _have _to) let out a low whistle in tandem.

"I'm confused as to how my daughter can look like _this_ when we are like _this_," for the first time, he motions towards Chaz whilst his other hand is in the direction of the television on the wall that the audience have only just noticed. Immediately, a pregnant Amelie appears, holding the baby who is absolutely _adorable_ and everyone 'awwws' in the audience. Her eyes are open and she, at merely six weeks old, is smiling slightly, her sapphire eyes (you can tell where her name has come from) piercing into the ones of the people observing her. In fact, the only one who seems to be fighting being drawn in by the baby is her father who doesn't believe he is her father…

"So, there is the _slight_ issue of her skin colour," Jeremy raises the issue as soon as the screen is turned off and the attention brought back to the people on stage.

"She can't be mine," Sam says adamantly, causing Chaz to blush. "I just don't know what's gone on… as they wouldn't have…" he trails off, not finishing his thought process as he refocuses on 'Jezza'.

"Amelie on the show," Jeremy says, deciding to get her on first before Vicky and Myrnin because, well, she is slightly more important at the current minute in time.

Amelie emerges down the corridor with a defiant expression on her face, the whole way she holds herself – pregnancy brings out the style queen in her because, well, Vicky dresses her – showing her intense displeasure with Sam, the father of two of her children now… that sounds so whorish, to have different children by different fathers, especially when you apply it to Amelie.

As she sits down, she pushes the chair closer to Chaz and pulls her in for a hug. "So, everything has been resolved?" Jeremy confirms and Amelie nods, her face open and entirely relaxed for the first time since Jeremy has ever seen her… and he has seen her _many_ times.

"Yes, I believe someone disputing the obviousness that he is the father of the baby makes certain past frictions seem less… prudent," she makes the whole 'Sam cheating on Chaz with her' thing out to be simply 'friction', similar to a child disputing her mother's clothing choice… but they had this as well.

"What do you think has gone on?" Jeremy asks her gently, not wanting to over agitate her because she is still pregnant, after all.

"I don't know, but if you are to be discussing this matter with Victoria, remember she is still pregnant and due soon," Amelie makes reference to the fact that the baby her other daughter is having (little does she know it is twins) is still unborn so could end up being born on stage, as Eve's almost was.

"Yes, yes, we shall," Jeremy says impatiently, just wanting to know whether or not Chaz has been lying. "I suppose it could be a genetic mutation?" he suggests, wanting to have a little conversation between Sam and Amelie before Vicky and Myrnin come on.

Sam shrugs at this, leaning back. "I don't want to do anything with Sapphire because I want to know if she is mine before I get emotionally attached," he explains his reasoning for not doing anything for his daughter besides going to the betting shop and wasting half of his money.

Amelie shakes her head and gasps in shock. "That's the worst excuse I have ever heard: you are a _vampire_, Sam, you don't need sleep whereas Charlotte does. You could at least _help_ rather than taking a seat so far back it isn't even in Morganville!" she says, to rapturous applause. "Oh, audience, _do_ be quiet. It is rather annoying having your reactions interfering with my session here," she continues, causing the room to silence _instantly_.

Jeremy decides, before Sam launches himself at the pregnant woman, that he should get Vicky and Myrnin on now. "Now, we have the eldest daughter of Sam and Amelie and the sister to Chaz, Vicky, with her fiancé Myrnin!" he announces and the audience (mutedly – they don't want to interfere with the talk show) politely claps their arrival on stage.

She is huge and ready to burst – literally – but with Myrnin's arm, she makes it onto the stage without waddling _too_ much or taking more than about three minutes. She is soon seated next to her sister, inbetween Chaz and Sam because there is enough space there and incase there _is_ a problem with the parentage of the baby, Jeremy wants someone to intercede it. So Myrnin sits on the other side of the stage, evidently wishing to be beside his fiancée for some reason… perhaps they did something to the baby so it is actually an alien.

"So, Vicky, tell us what you think is the issue here," Jeremy directs the elder of the two girls to talk and she does so instantly, evidently pleased to be being listened to.

"Well, I think that Daddy has an issue with trusting people when things are slightly abnormal… ok, well, more than _slightly_, but you get the message," she begins thoughtfully, ignoring her dad's look of amazement next to her. "I think that there are many reasons as to why Saffy is the colour she is, but we shouldn't be racist about it and we all love each other, so why bother? Oh and I think that Chaz hasn't cheated because if she did she would be a hypocrite for calling Mum all the names under the sun to do with that sort of thing behind her back: you know, slut, whore, prostitute… though I don't think that she actually paid," she gets her revenge for what Chaz said about their mother dearest on stage before, a wicked glint in her eye whilst her mother and sister bow their heads in shame.

"Victoria, that is not the avenue we wish to be heading down," Amelie chastises her daughter whilst Jeremy nods in agreement.

"Yes, I think we should move onto the results," Jeremy says hastily, taking the envelope from the lie detector results dude, along with the DNA test they did. "As usual, I have-"

"Not read the results before, yes we know Jeremy!" Sam interrupts instantly, waiting to see whether or not Saffy is his or not.

"Since we decided just the lie detector may not be accurate enough, we decided to DNA the baby as well and here we are: the lie detector results first," Jeremy says, opening the first envelope.

"We asked Chaz if she has had sexual intercourse with Hannah's brother… she said no… she was telling the truth," Jeremy says and the audience bursts into applause, causing Sam to blush as much as a vampire can blush. "We then asked her if she had had it with _anyone_ other than Sam… she said no… she was telling the truth."

"Sorry, I am so sorry," Sam says hastily to Chaz who shrugs, not entirely sure whether or not to forgive him before nodding. They can't get to one another because beloved Vicky is in the way with her protruding stomach, but that could be helpful for later on.

"The DNA results also confirm she is yours: so stop being a deadbeat Dad and do something useful!" Jeremy has to get his statement that causes a lot of applause from the audience in as Amelie got it earlier. Sam nods and stares at the floor before a look crosses his face.

"Wait… so she is _definitely_ ours… how is she that colour?" he _has_ to bring up race again but it is a question all barring three people are wondering. Those three people sink slightly in their seats (though for Vicky it's a little harder): Chaz, Myrnin and Vicky.

"Um… maybe we ought to confess," Vicky says quietly, causing her Dad to look at her in shock.

"He may not kill either of _you_ but he will _quite_ willingly kill me: remember when he wanted to kill me even though I hadn't cheated?" Myrnin snaps instantly, and then regrets it when his _extremely_ hormonal fiancée bursts into tears.

"Don't," Chaz warns Vicky but by now everyone, including a Sam who is really confused, knows something has gone on.

"We _messed with her DNA_!" Vicky wails, unable to keep it in anymore. "Chaz here wanted a half cast baby with Dad so she asked me and Myrnin to screw with one of her eggs so that it would have black DNA so that it would be a mixed race baby!" she continues, whilst the people in the entire room (including Jeremy, whose experience is nowhere _near_ enough to cover this) freeze in shock.

Finally, Sam stands up. He moves across and kneels in front of his daughter, very calmly, but with a fury that can be felt on the other side of the room. "Victoria Louise Glass, are you being serious? You have addled Sapphire's DNA so that Chaz could have a baby of two races?" just by the fact he has used her full name (which he never does) shows how mad he is.

She nods speechlessly, whilst Chaz tries to back out of the stage… but Sam simply stands up whip fast and moves across to stand in front of her. "I can't be mad at you because I know you always wanted it from when you were two… I'm sorry for accusing you of cheating," he surprisingly says, not angry whatsoever, bending over to kiss her gently before releasing her.

At the same time, Gérard surreptitiously emerges on stage, in full blown body armour, to protect a cowering Myrnin, who is, currently, forgotten about by Sam. By the time the redhead remembers about him, he is too late, with Myrnin already being escorted off of the stage, leaving his fiancée (pregnant, let's not forget) to take the brunt of the blow from her Dad.

"Dad, I'm sorry, I didn't think," she cries out, her mother already over by her with her arms around her.

"Don't blame her, Sam, it was me who wanted it," Chaz pleads, amazed he isn't angry with her… but he doesn't really have a leg on which to stand on _to_ be angry with her… since the first one went when he cheated with Amelie and the second when he accused _her_ of cheating.

"Who is the only people in this entire town who could do something like that?" he explodes, causing everyone to cover their ears. "Those two… so they are in the wrong."

"Sam, calm down," Amelie suggests but he ignores her, pulling her gently (she is, after all, still pregnant with his lovechild… though less of the love, Jeremy thinks wryly as he stays away) away to then be level with Vicky once again.

"Victoria, I am… beyond furious," he informs her coldly, no touch of the love he had for her merely minutes ago in his voice. "I don't think I can talk to you again, so do not try to contact me. Do you understand?"

She doesn't move, doesn't react, simply stays catatonic whilst Sam strides away from her without her answering, taking Chaz to go and see their daughter whilst Jeremy remains standing there.

After a long pause, Jeremy realises that he is the host and he needs to close the show. "I'm afraid, ladies and gentlemen, that that is all we have time for. This is the last show in Morganville but I hope that you tune in when I return to England… goodbye!" he makes it clear that this is his last show and the audience begin to file out with an excited murmuring about what is going on.

As soon as they're all gone, Amelie turns her attention from the still frozen Vicky to Jeremy. "Jeremy, please-" she begins but he holds his hand up and shakes his head.

"No, no more shows: this is the limit!" he says hurriedly and she looks disappointed.

"What about Graham from the aftercare team?" she suggests but he shakes his head.

"No, he's returning with me… look, I've done absolutely everything I can, which is nowhere near enough for you all. Go and see the Mayor or something and have a court case… but no more Jeremy Kyle for you!" he explodes, running off of the stage before she can try and compel him to do anything.

She shakes her head before comforting her daughter whilst Sam and Chaz go and see their daughter, smiling as they do so.

"You're _so_ on night duty!" Chaz says to her boyfriend who nods, holding his baby for the first time willingly…

* * *

_The end_

* * *

_Deffo one more… depends about FB/MSN convos with Chaz(TheFoundersDaughter – check her out LOL) if there are anymore._

_Review please… _

_Vicky xx_


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